Part 4: Who To Talk To And When
The Affair First Response Guide was written to be the first step in navigating the turbulent waters after infidelity is discovered in a marriage. Our goal with part four is to help you build a strategy that will allow you to move forward in a healthy way with people who offer positive influence.
You can't do it alone
If you are going to make it through in a healthy way, you are going to need safe people "in the circle " with you. But how do you know who to talk to and when?
- Accept and love me unconditionally
- Are comfortable with grief. They don't try to lighten the mood or distract me or do something to stop the tears. They offer a shoulder and they cry with me.
- Don't gossip about me or my spouse.
- Don't try to fix my problem or offer solutions. They simply listen, encourage me, and pray.
- Don't need my love or approval to be okay. They can handle my angry outbursts and stormy emotions.
- Are aware of their own brokenness. Humility and integrity are the hallmarks of their character.
- Are more concerned about relating to me and loving me than about giving me advice.
- Are sensitive to the Holy Spirit's work in my life.
- Condemn me or blame me for my spouse's problem.
- Deny or minimize the sin of my spouse.
- Try to "fix" me or "fix" my spouse by suggesting things I should or should not do.
- Give unwanted advice.
- Cannot keep confidences.
- Only stay in relationship with me when I am happy and hopeful. They are too uncomfortable with or embarrassed by fear and anger to allow me to feel negative emotions and to mourn.
- Are arrogant and self-righteous.
It is helpful to have people in your circle who have a good relationship with their own spouse and can care about both you and your spouse. This may or may not be someone who is a regular/active part of your life. It may be a co-worker, pastor, neighbor, family member who you have not been open with previously but who fits this criteria. It is important to bring this person into your circle.
How to invite support people into your circle?
You have identified two or three people as candidates to be in the circle with you. Now what?
Who needs to know?
Danger of premature promises to kids:
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Affair Recovery Guide.
A six part series to help you pick up the pieces after an affair.